Dude, I've changed.

As I struggle to type this on my phone to get these thoughts to digital paper, I sit and realize that my forced evolution in the last year has changed many things that I did not initially realize.

 I posted a status update on Facebook regarding my current state at San Diego comic-con:

"Comic-con, it's not you. It's me. I got old"

That statement rattled in my brain as I lay here on my air mattress in my hotel room. What really had changed in my head that should make this theoretical "nerd nirvana" not so anymore.

The first thing is that after wrecking my car on November and having to purchase my pretty new blue one (along with the exorbitant increase in my insurance rate) I really had to readjust my spending. In particular the amount of money I spent on frivolous shit. I would recklessly buy DVDs/blu-rays every week and buy games that would never see the light of day in any of my systems because I foolishly thought "one day in the future, I will have time to consume all of this when I really do 'grow up'"

That very fallacy in my head had to be crushed if I was to move forward on my new financial struggle of new debt piling on top of old debt. So I have been resolute in restricting said spending, yes I still allow a few things past the goalie so to speak, but overall the budget has been more balanced than in the past of my epic deficit spending.

The reason of this tale is the reason I came to the conclusion of my current displeasure of con. The very first thing I thought as I first burst through the doors of the convention center into the show floor was, "I really don't need any of the shit they are selling here"

Seriously. I walked by all the exclusives and trade paperbacks, the toys and art. What would I do with this if I bought it? I look back at all the shit I already own and think, "what the fuck is wrong with me? I would be out of debt if I had not gotten so much crap"

Don't misunderstand me, there are many things I do NOT regret. My comic books for example are something that I do treasure dearly, not only for their content bit their ability to take me back to that time I bought them and reminisce about the past.

But overall, I think of all the random things I have collected over the years of my misspent youth and I cringe at my irresponsibility. Time has brought me a harrowing vision of the future and what I have done to damage it.

This convention now represents what I have been trying to escape for the past 6 months.

Spending on wants instead of needs.

This is the very reason I know that I am the problem and not the con. The con is still what it's supposed to be. I am just not the person that I was before. Older and weary now. It's not sad, it is just a grim reality that I need to accept.

-Dre